e to (Mom, Dad- that’s a reference to a popular song called “New Phone, Who Dis.” I’m just trying to be relatable)
Okay but really, new blog/ new URL/ new things are happening!! In the name of spring cleaning for sure, but also just because things are changing. I no longer feel connected to the identity of my eating disorder (at all), and am moving away from the identity of “the girl in recovery from an eating disorder.” I am SO thankful for my recovery, don’t get me wrong, but my life has a lot more to it right now.
Last summer, I was struggling hard core. And it sucked and it was not a great summer and I had to do a lot of work that I didn’t really want to do. And I’m still doing a lot a lot of that work, because recovery is something that I have to put effort into every single day. But the difference is that now, my life does not simply revolve around food/ weight/ meal plans/ exercise restrictions/ treatment. And that is SO cool. I want more for my life than staying in that tiny little box that doesn’t allow for spontaneous hikes and milkshakes or days in DC or wine nights and skating. I want to be able to talk to my professors about my interest in their research, not to say that I have to take a leave of absence because of my health. EDIT: I also want to say that is by no means an attack on anyone fighting their own battle or who are in different places than I am. When I first wrote this, I didn’t realize that it could really hurt or upset someone else who is in a different place. And that’s okay. Whatever stage of recovery you are in is valid and real and important. My eating disorder is still present in small ways but not in large ones, but that being said, I respect and support all who are not in a place where they can ignore their eating disorder with ease or struggle with being flexible around food. In addition, I did not just “choose to recover” and be fixed; nor did i choose to ever develop an eating disorder. It is so so much more complex than that, and I am so so sorry if I led anyone to believe that recovery is as simple as “just eating” or “just choosing to fix shit.” Because it’s not and it’s a whole lot of time and blood/sweat/tears.
So here we are. I decided to re-title my blog “On Being Brave,” because bravery is such an important concept to me. It’s not about not feeling fear- it’s about being afraid, and pushing through. About being terrified beyond belief, but not accepting that this is all your life can be. So from now on, I’m going to blog about life and all its mess and wonder and everything in between, and how being brave and leaving that identity of sick or in recovery allow my life to be so much bigger.
This doesn’t mean I no longer want to advocate for recovery and talk about my own journey. I’ve been to hell and back, and talking about it allows me to appreciate it. But again, time and place. I can go to multi-family group at my treatment center and talk about how far I’ve come, or speak to my sorority about it during NEDA week. It’s just not something that dictates my life anymore- and that is the coolest thing ever. A little less than a year ago, I entered residential treatment scared that being sick would be all that my life ever was, and almost 365 days later, it is so far from what it was on May 16, 2016. My journey is my own, and I don’t expect anyone else to have the same experience.
So here’s to bigger, better things. Here’s to pushing myself to be brave and show up to life every single day, even when I’m terrified.